Abrosexuality

There are new terms added to our lexicon all the time to help us describe and discuss sexuality. While the proliferation of labels can feel a bit much (or as Dan Savage puts it, like “alphabet soup”) precise vocabulary to express identity can be both affirming and powerful.

Journalist Stephanie Barnes asks myself and Dr. Carol Queen about what the term “abrosexual” means in her latest MindBodyGreen article. Read the full piece here or an excerpt below:

Abrosexuality is a flexible or fluid sexuality that fluctuates considerably over time, both in terms of who a person is attracted to and what level of sexual and/or romantic attraction occurs, according to AASECT-certified sex therapist Indigo Stray Conger, LMFT, CST.

"An abrosexual person may be drawn toward androgynous partners and desire to have frequent sexual interactions for a year or two and then find themselves romantically attracted to hypermasculine partners but not have much interest in sex for the next six months," she tells mbg. "These fluctuations may occur over various periods of time for different people but indicate a pattern of significant fluctuation in sexual orientation."

That said, it's important to note that those who identify as abrosexual aren't "just confused" or struggling to make up their minds. Abrosexuality is a valid, specific orientation and should be treated as such. 

Stray Conger says in some cases, your loved ones may describe you as someone who is frequently trying to "uncover who you truly are." For example, they might think that because you were engaged in short-term, heterosexual, high-libido connections for some time and now you have a same-gender partner with whom you are more focused on romance, that you have discovered a "truer" expression of your sexuality. But that's not the way you see it: These are simply two different, equally valid expressions of your sexuality that have made sense in specific periods of your life.

Abrosexuality and pansexuality are similar in the sense that both involve having sexual desire for multiple genders, but there is one main difference—which is the fluidity and fluctuation that happens for someone who identifies as abrosexual.

"For some period of time, an abrosexual may be strongly drawn to female partners and at other times male or somewhere in between. Those attractions do not necessarily occur simultaneously, as they would for a pansexual," Stray Conger adds.

If you believe yourself to be abrosexual, it's important to take the time to understand your own boundaries and patterns so you can support yourself while dating. Stray Conger recommends checking in with yourself frequently. She says connecting to how you are feeling in your body and in your attractions on a regular basis will help you to recognize early cues to when your interests are beginning to shift.  "Instead of fighting against an attribute that others may consider fickle, lean into the reality of how you experience relationships and learn about yourself in the process," she says.

If your partner shares that they are abrosexual, the first thing you'll want to do is learn about the term if you aren't familiar with it. Consider asking them what being abrosexual means to them, Stray Conger says. Ask them about the circumstances that allowed them to realize their abrosexuality initially, their patterns, and how they would like you to check in with them about their fluctuating desires. 

By doing so, you'll not only be able to better understand and support your partner, but you'll also be able to express your own needs and boundaries about the relationship. From there, you can both support each other and do the work it takes to be in a relationship together.