Dirty Talk

Tabby Kibugi at Get Me Giddy asks me and other sexperts about how to navigate talking dirty.

Read the full article here or an excerpt below:

Dirty talk during sex can be a great way to heighten the mood. While a grunt or moan aids in letting your partner know they are doing everything right (and should probably continue), dirty talk helps communicate exactly what you're feeling and gives feedback to your partner.

"Whether it's a sexy whisper or a firm command, a bit of vocalizing can go a long way towards turning up the heat," explained Indigo Stray Conger, a sex therapist who is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) and works at Mile High Psychotherapy in Denver. "If a few minutes ago you were navigating parenting or asking your partner to take out the trash, getting in the zone with some dirty talk can switch the context to sexual excitement more quickly."

Getting into dirty talk may require some experimentation, so chances are your words won't always land as hoped the first time at bat. In such instances, having a predetermined safe word is helpful to indicate to your partner that you'd like to take a break from the current activity.

"A safe word is not just something to use in extreme situations," Conger explained. "It can be a great way to gently let your partner know that a phrase felt off for one or both of you. Otherwise, you might not know that your partner isn't into what you're whispering in their ear or shouting at their backside."

If you don't have a safe word, find another way to let your partner gently know you need a pause.

"Instead of having a discussion immediately, try to physiologically connect in a nonsexual way, like cuddling first before phrasing your comment as an 'I' statement and not about something they did wrong or a rejection," Conger said.

For example, you might explain, "I don't know what it is about that particular word, but I felt myself tense up and I need to think a little more about it. Let's take that one off the table for now"; or, "Something about the tone felt a little intense to me. I just need a break and maybe we can try the same talk a bit softer next time."