Do 'Sexual Peaks' Really Exist?

Katie Bingham-Smith of ScaryMommy interviews me for her article We Need To Get Over the Concept of a Woman’s ‘Sexual Peak’.

Excerpt:

Scary Mommy spoke with Indigo Stray Conger, LMFT, CST (certified sex therapist) via email, who said the whole idea that a woman peaks sexually at a certain age is complete garbage, and this is why: “The idea that this moment can be pinpointed or even predicted is an enticing fallacy. Although hormone levels play a part in libido, the effect is far from exact.”

She goes on to say it’s different for everyone. Some women experience more sexual desire during pregnancy, perimenopause or menopause and some women experience less. The one thing many of us can count on is “having high levels of desire during puberty, when we also have little understanding of our own bodies and little chance of a sex savvy partner,” says Conger.

All the ingredients have to be in touch with each other in order to reach your most sexual self. That includes hormones, confidence, and a partner you feel connected to. So, being able to pinpoint your sexual peak at a certain age isn’t something we should concentrate on.

Conger explains that most men are said to have reached their sexual peak earlier in life because they are able to reach orgasms faster. Then, as they age, Conger says that “a precipitous drop in testosterone levels and other factors can create various sexual dysfunctions in later life.”

In contrast, many women do not consistently have orgasms through penetrative sex. Women commonly experience shame around sexual self-exploration and around asking for what they want during sex. Conger says that “10-15% of women report never having climaxed in any sexual context. This means that it often takes decades for women to have consistently satisfying sexual experiences, especially if measured in orgasms.”

This takes time. And a lot of women aren’t exploring themselves in their teens, then simply don’t have the time to do so after having kids. A lot of us are figuring it out as we get older and realizing that something may be missing in our sex life — and we want to figure it out.

Conger also reminds us that there is no set time to be in your sexual prime, then it’s over. That aspect of our life is just like everything else: it ebbs and flows. “Life is full of sexual peaks and valleys, informed by hormones, stage of life, and sexual self-knowledge, but also by the excitement of new lovers, the stress of child-rearing, habits around diet and exercise, confidence and success,” Conger says.

So, it seems the notion that women are supposed to hit a sexual peak at a certain age, or certain time in their life is complete bullshit. We all have different stages when we feel more sexual. It’s all okay, it’s all normal, and there’s no need to wonder what’s wrong with you if you feel like you’ve lost some (or all) of your sexual energy.