Sexual Values
Tabby Kibugi at Get Me Giddy asks me about how to explore your sexual values. Read the full article here or an excerpt below:
"Since sex isn't discussed, people often take for granted that the cultural messaging they receive about sex is the only source for determining what sexual values should be," explained Indigo Stray Conger, LMFT, a certified sex therapist for Mile High Psychotherapy in Denver. "Whether those messages come from movies or church or TikTok, there is little room for exploring which values feel right for an individual or relationship."
What exactly are sexual values?
Sexual values are defined as the personal standards to which you hold yourself when interacting sexually, such as when and how you engage sexually or how you communicate about sexual activity. Another aspect involves the role sexual activity plays in your life and what these sexual interactions mean to you.
Conger listed some common examples of sexual values:
Engaging in sexual activity only with a partner you're in love with or with whom you share a deep, emotional bond.
Having sex only after your relationship has been successful for a specific length of time.
Focusing on the experience of connection during sex and not prioritizing orgasms.
Always having "safer sex" or sex with barriers.
Not focusing on gender as an important aspect of sexual connection and pleasure.
Having sex with only one partner with whom you have committed to sharing your life.
Engaging in sexual activity with a partner only after being tested for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and discussing the risks involved.
Why sexual values are important
The more you know about yourself and your sexual preferences, the better you can clearly communicate these choices to your partner or any potential partner. Knowing you have the option to choose whether you want to be intimate with only one partner until marriage or have sex only after a certain number of dates can help establish clear boundaries for a relationship and ensure consent throughout.
How to discover your sexual values
Always keep in mind that your sexual values belong to you and no one else. It's never too late to think about what your sexual values are or update them as your relationships change.
If this is the first time thinking about your sexual values, here are some basic questions to start with:
How do I want to be treated by my partner in bed?
How do I want to treat my partner in bed?
What sort of sexual activities do I prefer to engage in with a romantic partner (and which ones do I not want to engage in?)
Is establishing an emotional connection prior to having sex with any individual important to me?
"Discovering your sexual values can also take the form of attending a couples retreat, participating in a play party, receiving sexological bodywork, joining a book club or a meetup focused on sexual values exploration, or learning about your erotic blueprint," Conger explained.
These options can be considered either individually or in a relationship setting.
If you'd like to work with a professional, a certified sex expert can guide you toward your sexual values and help you find new ways to explore your sexual edges.