Talking About Vaginismus

Vaginismus (pain and tension that interfere with sexual activity) can be hard to talk about with a partner. Giddy asks me how. Read the full article here or an excerpt below:

Figuring out how to tell your partner you have vaginismus can be tricky. According to Indigo Stray Conger, a certified sex therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Denver, the best way is to explain prior experiences and feelings. The conversation doesn't have to be entirely serious or soon, she explained, just when things get sexual.

"Offer a clear description of the pattern your sexual experiences have taken in relation to symptoms, both emotionally and physically. Talk about what is pleasurable in sexual play in addition to what causes symptoms to arise," Conger said. "Use the descriptor of vaginismus only after giving context for what you are explaining. The more relaxed and candid you can be about your symptoms, the easier it will be to find a way to explore with one another that doesn't make either of you feel uncomfortable."

So that answers the how question—but what about when? Is the first date too soon? What if the other person is a one-time Tinder hookup with whom you don't want to get so personal?

Conger explained it's best to know personal pacing. "Talking about vaginismus is optimal once you have gotten to know your partner enough that frank and vulnerable discussion feels comfortable, and you have had some physical exploration, but without intensive vaginal play," she said. "Some partners may get to that level of interaction during one encounter, others may need considerably more time. It's important to know your own pacing in order to not force the conversation too quickly."

With the help of communication, vaginismus doesn't have to limit your sex life or your partner's. "Remember that the main concern your partner is likely to have is around causing you discomfort or you not enjoying sexual activity," Conger said. "The more information you can provide about what feels pleasurable and what kind of play you prefer, the less vaginismus has to dictate your experience."