The Four Agreements

As a therapist, I recommend numerous books and psychological tools. Some resources are suitable only for specific issues and others, like The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, are a useful framework for a diverse array of problematic thinking. Whether a person suffers from mild jealousy or crippling anxiety, relational conflict or loss of direction, The Four Agreements provide a template for accountability and lasting change.

The Four Agreements are written in an accessible manner and complement a range of spiritual orientations (or no orientation). Deceptively simple, they take a lifetime to master and create a backbone to the therapeutic process which I have utilized with dozens of clients. You can read the book quickly, join online forums, or embark on one of the in-depth trainings that take place worldwide.

Here are the basic agreements:

1 – Be impeccable with your word

Words are more powerful than we realize. They are the building blocks of labels, concepts and beliefs.

To avoid creating new, harmful illusions, be extremely conservative when using them on yourself or on others.

Get in the habit of saying only what you mean and meaning only what you say. When in doubt, say nothing at all.

2 – Don’t take anything personally

Remember that the words and actions of others are the products of their own illusory realities.

Acknowledge that if you shared the same reality you would know no better than to act and speak in exactly the same way.

Armed with this knowledge, take nothing personally. It will defuse the power of the words and actions of others to impact you.

3 – Don’t make assumptions

Though we know most assumptions are baseless we often fall into the trap of making assumptions anyway.

One-sided expectations are a major source of misunderstanding and suffering at all levels of life.

Be aware and wary of your natural tendency to assume things about yourself, others and the world around you.

Instead, look and listen without labels or judgement. Have the courage to ask questions and clarify.

4 – Always do your best

Always do the very best you can. Live with maximum possible intentionality in each moment.

But don’t worry about whether your best now is the same or better than your best yesterday or even five minutes ago.

Accept that your best will change from moment to moment, depending on the conditions within and around you.

Do what you can with where you are right now. You can ask nothing more of yourself.