Be a Better Lover
Insider and The Chive both ask me and other sexperts about ways to ramp up your bedroom skills.
Read the full Insider article here, the full Chive article here, or an excerpt from my input below:
Be curious about your partner's pleasure
Everyone is different, with a unique set of sexual preferences and acts that bring them pleasure.
"There is no one right way to touch or pleasure a partner, despite the cultural myth that if you have the correct set of knowledge you can make anybody orgasm. You have to learn about each partner from what they choose to reveal to you and what they teach you about their pleasure through the experiences shared together," says Indigo Stray Conger, LMFT and certified sex therapist at Mile High Psychotherapy.
For example, Conger suggests that you ask your partner:
What turns them on
What their most erotic moments have been
What their favorite porn is (and whether you can watch it with them and observe how they masturbate)
Focus on your own pleasure, too
Of course you want to focus on pleasuring your partner in bed, but that doesn't mean you should forget about your own pleasure.
"For most people, one of the biggest turn-ons is their partner being turned-on and feeling pleasure. That kind of energy feeds off itself and builds exponentially until everyone is having a good time and a great orgasm," says Conger.
Be sure to keep the line of communication open and ensure that both of you are feeling great during sex.
Understand you and your partner's "erotic blueprint"
Erotic blueprints can help you understand what turns you and your partner on, and how the two of you can compromise to meet each other's needs. You can take an online quiz to determine which of the five blueprint types you are, and ask your partner to do the same.
Two examples are "sensual," meaning you are most turned on when you're having a full body experience with your senses engaged and "sexual" which means you're most turned on by genetalia and sex itself.
"Understanding what exactly turns you on and gets you off and how your erotic blueprint differs from or matches your partner's can enhance your ability to show up for sex in a more meaningful way," says Conger.
Don't be afraid to add toys
On top of adding novelty to the bedroom, using sex toys such as vibrators can help — especially if you have a vagina.
Vibrators can stimulate certain erogenous zones that a penis can't like the clitoris, which can help you achieve orgasm.
In fact, a 2017 study found that 36.6% of women need direct clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm during penetrative sex.
"A vibrating cock ring or small vibrator can increase the frequency and intensity of orgasm, and not just for women. Male bodies respond well to vibration, too," says Conger.
Stay healthy
In this context, the goal of staying healthy isn't about improving your physique — it's to be a better lover and to experience more pleasure yourself.
"Healthy overall choices will go a long way toward boosting sexual confidence and can also improve your stamina," says Conger.
You want to be able to go at it for several minutes without getting winded so you can please your partner and yourself.
Cutting back on tobacco, alcohol, and other drugs can also help improve your circulation and stamina, Conger says.