FWB & NSA Relationships
Heather Bien at The Knot interviews me for two articles about No Strings Attached Relationships and Friends With Benefits Relationships. Check out what I had to say below:
Indigo Stray Conger, a certified sex therapist, cut straight to the chase when we asked how she'd define friends with benefits. "The phrase 'friends with benefits' is used to indicate a hookup situation with little or no commitment," she says. And that's exactly what many of us think of — a no-strings, casual-sex, Netflix-and-chill agreement where neither partner is particularly invested in the well-being of the other. Instead, they're around for late-night booty calls.
But that's not always the case. "A true friends-with-benefits scenario is a deep friendship which also includes either occasional or consistent sexual activity, with the understanding that there is no romantic relationship developing," Conger says. "There may or may not be a strong sexual attraction involved, but there is definitely mutual respect, trust and clear communication."
"When entering a friends-with-benefits scenario, you should choose someone you trust and that you can have a candid conversation with prior to any sexual activity occurring," Conger says. "It's imperative that both of you are on the same page about this not having the potential to develop into a romance or a relationship with expectations and commitments."
If you want to pursue a friends-with-benefits arrangement, Conger says, "You should set ground rules around communicating about other sexual partners or what should happen if one of you starts dating someone in a romantic context. Be sure to discuss boundaries around which sexual acts you are comfortable with and STI safety.”
FWB arrangements can be beneficial for those who feel like they don't have time for a relationship. You may not want to swipe through Tinder or have a one-night stand, but if you're still itching for some pillow talk then casual sex with a friend could be the most secure option. "If you don't have the time or energy for a full-blown relationship, or the right person simply hasn't come along, then a friends-with-benefits situation may be an appropriate choice for your relationship landscape," Conger says.
Now let's look at a straightforward definition of an NSA relationship. "No-strings-attached connections are sexual in nature with no underlying romantic relationship," says Conger. "If you find someone who you are sexually compatible with and who fulfills some of your sexual desires, an NSA scenario can definitely be healthy."
You might be wondering, How does this differ from a friends-with-benefits relationship? Aren't they both sexual relationships without monogamy or romance? Not necessarily. No strings attached is the most casual of casual relationships and it works best when there isn't an existing friendship.
Sometimes a real relationship simply isn't on the table. Life gets busy or you're frustrated with online dating. Even friends-with-benefits arrangements seem daunting. "If you don't have the time or energy for a full-blown relationship, or the right person simply hasn't come along but you would like to get your sexual needs met, then an NSA relationship might be for you," Conger says.
Conger says NSA can also work when one person in a relationship is looking for something that can't be fulfilled by their current partner. "If you have a romantic partnership that does not fulfill all of your sexual needs and your current partner consents to your looking elsewhere to get those desires met, then seeking a consensually open relationship with an NSA partner might be the answer to feeling fulfilled."
"As long as you're clear up front with what the relationship is and is not, and continue to check in as feelings may evolve, an NSA setup can be extremely satisfying," she says.
The most important thing is to keep checking in to see if the arrangement is continuing to work for you and your partner. "If you would prefer to be in a relationship based on more than sex, the sooner you bring it up, the better," Conger says. "It is possible that your NSA partner also has evolving feelings, but if not, the sooner you move on the sooner you can meet a compatible partner."
Conger says it all comes down to communication (doesn't it always?) and being up front when you do — or do not — want more. "Typically, it's a bad idea to linger in an FWB/NSA situation when you're hoping for more and are afraid to ask for it. Either the relationship can evolve with your emotions, or you're better off looking elsewhere."
Sometimes FWB scenarios can revert back to friendships without sex again. "Communicate clearly the parameters of your FWB situation and it's more likely that you can conscientiously transition the relationship back to a friendship without sexual interactions when the time is right," Conger says.
If an FWB or NSA relationship sounds right for you, but you're apprehensive about taking the next steps, consider whether that's due to preconceived ideas about the terms. Conger says society's idea of what traditional relationships should look like has impacted our perception of FWB/NSA. "Our sex-negative culture pairs sex inextricably with romance, when the two interests do not necessarily have to go hand in hand," she says.
Her professional opinion is that people can have casual sex without the goal of pursuing a monogamous or serious relationship. Sex can be fun for fun's sake, as long as you both go into it consensually.