Boring Sex

Ask Men consults me and other sexperts on why long term, monogamous couples may end up having boring sex and what they can do to fix it.

Read the full article here or an excerpt below:

“Good sex requires a balance of two factors — a feeling of safety and feeling of novel excitement,” says Indigo Stray Conger, licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist with Mile High Psychotherapy and ThatSexQuiz.com.

“After being in a monogamous relationship for a while, the fact that your partner feels like your best friend can actually be a drawback for the excitement factor,” says Stray Conger. “Limerence, or ‘new relationship energy’ (NRE), only lasts 18 to 24 months for most partners. This is the period of time when the hormones of attraction flood your bodies and fuel frequent sex for most couples. You're trying out new ideas and new positions, every experience feels novel and your bodies can barely keep up with your libidos. After the honeymoon phase, hormones are no longer creating spontaneous arousal on such a frequent basis.”

If things are so boring that you feel like you’re at your wits’ end, it’s time to add some novelty to the mix. All three experts AskMen spoke to for this piece noted the idea of exploring kinks together, and Stray Conger mentioned introducing sex toys. She also notes that “changing the context of sex” can go a long way towards “infusing your erotic script with fresh energy,” suggesting location changes like having sex in a hotel room or having sex outdoors.

“If your sex life has been neglected long enough that it's just not happening, you may need a little more help,” says Stray Conger. “An AASECT-certified sex therapist is a skilled clinician trained to help you and your partner(s) get back the mojo you've lost.”