Rekindling Sexless Relationships

Journalist Virginia Pelley asks me and other relationship experts how to rebuild intimacy in sexless relationships.

Read her full article on Fatherly here or an excerpt below:

When there’s stress and tension in your relationship, which is common among couples making the transition into parenthood, men might want sex anyway, whereas women are more likely to lose interest.

If you’re committed to your relationship and working through your sex life troubles, here are some things experts say can help bring back intimacy to a relationship:

• CONSIDER HER NEEDS

  To alleviate some of your partner’s stress, do more household tasks without being asked, says licensed sex and relationship therapist Indigo Stray Conger. Give her as much kid-free time to herself as you can.

  “Studies have shown that women’s libidos increase when men do housework,” Conger says. “The dishes may seem unrelated to the bedroom, but they’re an important factor in your partner feeling she can count on you, which is about as sexy as it gets.”

  Pay attention to and show an interest in what she would like to do to connect, even if it’s not leading immediately to sex.

  “Cuddle, talk and go out on date nights,” Conger says. “Relate to each other as adults beyond co-parenting discussions.”

• BE REALISTIC AND PATIENT

  Understand that your relationship has shifted with this new phase of life. While that doesn’t have to mean surrendering to a sexless marriage, it may mean a significant drop in frequency and adventurousness, at least for now, Conger says.

  Many times moms are ready to have sex before dads are. But it’s also common for many mothers to feel that their intimate attachment needs are being met by the bond with their child or children in the first four or even six years of their kids’ lives, Conger says. 

  “Breastfeeding, cuddling and other skin-to-skin contact releases oxytocin in moms, supplementing what they would otherwise be seeking from in intimacy with their partner,” she says. 

  But in addition, early childhood is draining and requires a phenomenal amount of parent multitasking, emotional resources and middle-of-the-night energy, she says, and the physical and emotional burden kids bring typically falls disproportionately on moms. 

  Try to remember that early childhood doesn’t last forever, she says. Once kids are in school, your partner will likely have more energy for sex again. Pressure for her to return to pre-kid sex too soon is likely to push her away further and cause both of you to feel more alone, Conger says.