Exhibitionism
MindBodyGreen and Giddy explore with me, Carol Queen and other sexperts what it means to be an exhibitionist.
Check out the full MindBodyGreen article here, the full Giddy article here, or read an excerpt of my contributions below:
Denver-based sex therapist Indigo Stray Conger, co-owner of Mile High Psychotherapy LLC, said, "Exhibitionism is when a person experiences sexual excitation from the fantasy of being observed naked or engaged in sexual activity, or from actually being observed while naked or engaged in sexual activity. Healthy exhibitionism is a sex-positive celebration of the erotic and should not be confused with exhibitionistic disorder, which involves deriving recurrent and intense sexual arousal from the exposure of one's genitals to an unsuspecting person, usually a stranger.” The key difference is in the lack of consent and the distress the person may feel about their own desires.
“The desire to incorporate being watched by others into sexual activity is an extremely common fantasy," Stray Conger says. A 2015 Journal of Sexual Medicine study found 66 percent of men and 57 percent of women fantasize about having sex openly in a public place, and 82 percent of both genders fantasize about having sex in an unusual place, including offices, public toilets, and so on. Though bringing that fantasy into reality is slightly less common, it still occurs frequently enough via the robust swinging or "lifestyle" community, says Stray Conger.
Signs you might be into it:
1. You fantasize about being watched.
Perhaps one of the biggest indications that you're into exhibitionism is that you find yourself regularly fantasizing about being watched. Whether alone or with a partner: "If a common theme to the fantasies that bring you to climax are about someone observing you naked or engaged in a sexual act," then you might be an exhibitionist, says Stray Conger.
"If this fantasy is a core component to your erotic template, you might explore what it would be like to bring that fantasy into reality—with consenting adults and legal behavior, of course," she says.
2. An early memory of your sexual self involves being observed.
If you have an early memory of being seen naked and recalling that memory as an adult evokes an erotic feeling for you, you could be an exhibitionist.
"Our erotic templates tend to be formed when young, and the first few times we experience ourselves as sexual beings may not be when we are involved in sexual acts. Those deepest memories of our erotic selves become an integral part of what turns us on and gets us off," Stray Conger says.
Tips and tricks to explore your exhibitionist side:
Start in the realm of fantasy before introducing the real thing.
Before diving in, Stray Conger encourages open and honest conversations about what you want when it comes to your exploration of exhibitionism, especially with any sexual partners you might be engaging with.
"Talk about what sex would be like if others were watching. Discuss different scenarios and what would be most arousing," she says. "Then bring those fantasies into the bedroom while having sex, imagining that what you have already talked about is actually playing out. If that's arousing for you and your partner, you might discuss what it would take to make those fantasies real. Discuss whether that is something you both want to do, or if the fantasy is enough."
"If you think you wouldn't be brave enough to try exhibitionism or worry you wouldn't like it in real life, that's OK. A lot of our fantasies live in our minds and bring us plenty of joy without turning them into reality. That doesn't mean you're not an exhibitionist at heart," says Stray Conger.