How to Survive & Thrive After Divorce

I’m very excited about this feature piece in Medium’s Authority Magazine in which I am interviewed about my extensive work with clients in various stages of divorce. The end of a long relationship is a painful process; I have been grateful to witness the alchemy that occurs in finally arriving on the other side.

You can ready the full article below or click here.

Licensed Therapist Indigo Stray Conger: “5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After A Divorce”

An Interview With Ilyssa Panitz

People’s deepest wounds from divorce often come from a cultural narrative about what divorce means. Divorce is commonly perceived as a failure and as a reflection of a person’s lack of resolve or loveability. Our collective story is that it is better to stay together until death, miserable and mismatched, than to honor the reality that you and your spouse have changed too much to have a fulfilling life together. While divorce itself is painful, you have the opportunity to move through it with integrity. To communicate kindly and with compassion, while at the same time not compromising on what you need to do to move forward and feel whole. Divorce can be a crucible from which you may emerge stronger and wiser about the life you want to lead.

Going through a divorce, can leave you feeling miserable, broken, and just outraged from exorbitant legal bills to heated encounters with your ex and their lawyer in court. The good news, this is all temporary, and those cloudy days will leave behind a beautiful rainbow when it all ends. Indigo Stray Conger a licensed marriage/family therapist and certified sex therapist and regular contributor for ChoosingTherapy.com says, “just think of all of the possibilities out there for you to discover. They are endless!”

Ilyssa Panitz: I would love for our readers to get the quick 4–1–1 on you.

Indigo Stray Conger: I grew up in Denver, Colorado in a non-religious, two parent home where books were the center of our universe. My younger sister and I spent summers in the sunshine at the neighborhood pool and winters enjoying the snowy Rocky Mountains. We were supported intellectually and encouraged to leave the state to attend college, explore the world, and figure out what we wanted to do with our lives.

Ilyssa Panitz: What brought you on this career path?

Indigo Stray Conger: As a college student in New York City in the late 1990’s, I discovered yoga and spent the next 20-years as a practitioner and teacher. Yoga led me to understand how the body has been left out of the traditional, Western academic framework for health and healing. Inspired by my yoga practice, I created my own focus for a bachelor’s degree at New York University, centering on the “visual and physical expression of emotion”, blending psychology, sociology, theater, photography and film into a single thesis. After a transition to San Francisco and years of continued study in the healing arts, I found a program in somatic psychology, which is body inclusive psychotherapy. At the time I hoped it would take me deeper into my work as a massage therapist. By the end of my master’s degree, I knew I was passionate about working as a couple’s therapist.

Ilyssa Panitz: Have you counseled many people going through a divorce?

Indigo Stray Conger: Yes. I have helped many couples through the agonizing process of realizing that divorce is the best path forward and coached them on how to intentionally disentangle their lives. I have supported individuals through their grief and sorrow at the end of decades-long marriages that they thought would last forever. The journey through divorce is a grief often as painful as the death of a loved one, or even more so. Seeing a person’s courageous rise from the ashes when grief has subsided is a humbling and profound experience.

Ilyssa Panitz: Any particular cases stand out?

Indigo Stray Conger: I currently have a female client that I have seen for over two years. When we met, she was eight years into an emotionally abusive marriage. It took a long time for her to see the possibility of leaving and an even longer time to extricate herself. Every step of the way was painful and exhausting. When she finally had her life back and was beginning to think about dating, COVID hit. Months of feeling isolated and alone have not been easy. She recently met a man completely different from her ex-husband. He is kind and funny and patient with her insecurities. We have traveled in the darkness a long time together. To see a glimmer of light and hope in her life that she can be loved again has been wonderful.

Ilyssa Panitz: That is so inspiring! What are the most common mistakes people make during/after they go through a divorce and what can be done to avoid them from occurring?

Indigo Stray Conger: People who divorce spend a lot of time thinking about when they “should” be done grieving and let go of their anger and sadness to date again. People tend to have an idea that there is a normal, healthy process for getting through divorce and if they follow that road map, they will be okay. If they do not, they will never recover. If they meet someone new, people tend to agonize over whether it is too soon to date. If they do not date, they worry they will miss their chance and grow old alone. Although it is important not to rush through the grieving process and hide from your feelings, everyone is different in terms of what their needs will be.

Ilyssa Panitz: Is it accurate to say, you have seen it all?

Indigo Stray Conger: I have seen people who went through most of their grief while they were still married, and once papers were signed, they were mostly through the sadness and ready to move on. I have seen others who needed years before they have healed enough to know themselves and date from an un-wounded place. Listening deeply to your own intuition about what you need will be more powerful in the healing process than advice that dictates a ‘normal’ time frame for when you should start dating.

Ilyssa Panitz: People generally label “divorce” as being “negative” and yes, while there are downsides, there can also be a lot of positive that comes out of it as well. What would you say that they are?

Indigo Stray Conger: People’s deepest wounds from divorce often come from a cultural narrative about what divorce means. Divorce is commonly perceived as a failure and as a reflection of a person’s lack of resolve or loveability. Our collective story is that it is better to stay together until death, miserable and mismatched, than to honor the reality that you and your spouse have changed too much to have a fulfilling life together. While divorce itself is painful, you have the opportunity to move through it with integrity. To communicate kindly and with compassion, while at the same time not compromising on what you need to do to move forward and feel whole. Divorce can be a crucible from which you may emerge stronger and wiser about the life you want to lead.

Ilyssa Panitz: People have a perception of divorce as a failure and that they let people down. Why is this statement not true?

Indigo Stray Conger: We have a strange idea in our culture that marital success is staying together until death, no matter how miserable or held back by one another a couple may feel. Marriage is an intention to grow with another person, attain shared goals, enrich each other’s world, and co-create a satisfying life. When this vision disintegrates and partners find themselves in perpetual conflict or wanting different things, the most courageous act is for both people to acknowledge that it is time to let go. The marriage may have been a success for two or ten or twenty years; moving on to the next chapter doesn’t negate the beautiful life that was lived before the marriage dissolved.

Ilyssa Panitz: Emotionally, divorce can kick you to the ground. How does one dust themselves off and build-up their self-esteem?

Indigo Stray Conger: Remind yourself of who you were before you met your partner and who you want to be moving forward. Reconnect with old friends and find new friends who align with your current interests. Dive into activities that bring out your passion and creativity. Engage in a physical practice that helps you feel strong and alive. Decorate and arrange your home to foster both comfort and a vibrant sense of who you are.

Ilyssa Panitz: There are many stages to healing from a divorce. Can you please take me through them and why it is important for someone to spend time working through each one?

Indigo Stray Conger: No matter how your relationship ended, who asked for a divorce or why, there will be moments that you feel abandoned and alone. The stages of grief during divorce, as in any grief, are not linear. They come in waves and the most important thing to do is to let those waves wash through you, trusting they will not stay. You will at times feel shattered and sad, and at others angry and empowered. There may be moments of acceptance followed by disbelief, denial, and regret. Each emotional wave is valuable in helping you move on. Try not to avoid these strong emotions, but also not get lost in them.

Ilyssa Panitz: Going through a divorce can consume your life and be a 24/7 job. What are some tips/suggestions you can share to help people stay rational while they are entrenched in this tangled web?

Indigo Stray Conger: Reach out for support frequently and take care of your physical being. Having people who love you engage in your healing process and making sure you are physically okay will go a long way to reducing irrational thoughts and extreme behavior. Talking to no one, not leaving the house, and going hungry is a recipe for emotional breakdown. Even though you may feel ashamed, let your friends and family into your inner world. Let them know how they can help, whether by off-loading practical matters for them to take care of or through midnight phone calls for emotional support. Your loved ones want to help you and it is imperative you are not alone during this time of grief. Your heart is hurting, and your body is going through withdrawal. Make sure your body is nourished with nutrients and movement will help your heart to digest the hurt and move forward. If you have lost your appetite, have simple, palatable, and possibly liquid nutrition available. If it is difficult to motivate to exercise, have a friend promise to come with you for a walk. Even a little food and movement make a huge difference when healing.

Ilyssa Panitz: While going through a divorce, lawyers need you to make many decisions such as custody, financial support and dividing assets, etc. Sometimes people make the wrong choices because their emotions and anger got the best of them. How do you advise someone stay in a calm place when tensions are so high?

Indigo Stray Conger: Have a close friend or family member talk with you throughout the decision process. A lawyer can be helpful for ensuring a fair outcome, but someone who knows you well is better suited to knowing what you will regret agreeing to later on. No matter how acrimonious or amicable your divorce may be, make your decisions based on what is best for yourself and your children, not out of revenge, because your ex-spouse asked you to or your lawyer recommended it. Do not make any decisions without giving yourself time to consider from a place of being well-rested, well-fed, and well-advised.

Ilyssa Panitz: At some point the divorce will end. What are some positive things someone can look forward to when this chapter closes?

Indigo Stray Conger: The emotional fog will lift, and when it does there will be freedom. For the first time in a long time, your decisions will not be tethered to someone else’s. You may have kids to think about and you may be in a less financially stable place, but your resources are yours. How you spend what time and money you have no longer depends on a partner. You can wake up early or late, sprawl across the bed and wrap yourself in tangled covers undisturbed by someone else’s snoring. You can watch the TV shows you want, cook the foods you like and see the people you care about whenever you choose. You can create a world that is tailored to your desires (and your children’s) without a thought to your ex-spouse’s preferences or complaints.

Ilyssa Panitz: We talked about getting out there again. For a woman who may be over 40, 50 or 60, why is this the perfect opportunity to be single and start over?

Indigo Stray Conger: Typically the end of a relationship is not very sexually satisfying, if sex is happening at all. Once your grief has largely passed, you have a chance to reclaim your sexuality. That is true whether you are 27 or 70, whether you want to stay single or date or remarry. You can explore through reading erotica, buying a new toy, dating, or dressing up sexy and going out with friends. Enjoy that you can rewrite the numbness or negativity that may have crept into your sexuality over the last many months or years. Dating in an online world may be overwhelming, but the proliferation of options for dating sites is a positive. You can find someone in your age range and with your quirky interests better than you ever could have in decades past. You can decide the pace at which you are ready to message, meet and date and how much energy you want to devote to the process. You can safely interact with potential new partners at any time from your computer or phone, offering versatility in finding satisfaction that previous generations of divorced individuals never enjoyed.

Ilyssa Panitz: I say treat dating like going to the buffet. Sample it all!

Indigo Stray Conger: Engage fully in the process of dating without being overly attached or assigning meaning to the results. The more people you message, meet, and give a chance to, the more you will learn about yourself and what you want in a relationship, regardless of whether your dating efforts ‘pan out’. Obsessing over why someone ghosted you after a first date or what the subtext of someone’s text message is will be a waste of time. You will have no idea why some people are not a match, or are not responsive, or disappear. When you find someone, who fits and is emotionally available, you will be more ready for it if you have not wasted time while dating in a sea of self-doubt and over attention to the process. Remember that online dating is not designed for you to meet a partner and be happy, it is designed to keep you on the app, swiping and engaging with their product. Online dating is almost unavoidable in this era, but you can have clear boundaries with how much time and attention you give to it. Instead of mindless scrolling whenever you take out your phone, pick a specific time of the week that you focus on finding dating prospects for a couple of hours at most. Limit your time answering messages and going on dates so that you do not burn out. Meeting new people in a genuine and open way takes valuable time and energy, which no one has in endless amounts. Spend what energy you have wisely.

Ilyssa Panitz: What is the one thing people going through a divorce should be open to changing?

Indigo Stray Conger: Your idea of what happiness looks like. Chances are, if you were married, you had a specific idea of a happy life, and it probably involved the most idealized version of being with your ex. Figure out what your deeply imbedded stories about happiness are: “single people can’t be happy or feel whole,” “divorced people don’t know how to have a healthy relationship,” “I lost my chance for happiness with my one and only soulmate,” “I was wrong about my spouse bringing me happiness, so I will be wrong again,” “I can never fully get over this loss and be happy.” Be willing to loosen your grip on your story about happiness and instead be present with what actually is, in all of its complexity and nuance.

Ilyssa Panitz: The stress of a divorce can be agonizing and can take a toll on one’s mental and emotional health. What can someone do to ease the anxiety?

Indigo Stray Conger: Remember the great lesson that “this too shall pass.” When we concretize and catastrophize our sorrow, that is when we can get stuck. Too often people replace the attachment they had to their partner with an attachment to their sorrow, and they fear that when sorrow is gone there will be nothing left. You have to surrender to your emotions and be willing to let go of your emotions in order to find what lies on the other side.

Ilyssa Panitz: Do you have any favorite books and/or podcasts that you would recommend to our readers?

Indigo Stray Conger: The Journey From Abandonment to Healing: Surviving Through and Recovering from the Five Stages That Accompany the Loss of Love.

Ilyssa Panitz: Why?

Indigo Stray Conger: The end of a relationship is a deep loss, like any other grief. Many of my therapy clients have felt abandoned when a partner decided to leave. I have seen this book validate their experience of feeling alone as well as give them a clear path forward to get through the sorrow. This book offers an understanding of the neurological and behavioral instincts that accompany grief. My clients have been able to see that their seemingly intense responses are normal and that the intensity will dissipate with time. Finding meaning in grief creates a powerful alchemy towards change.

Ilyssa Panitz: Any others?

Indigo Stray Conger: Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent & Feeling Guilty

Ilyssa Panitz: Because?
Indigo Stray Conger: For many of my therapy clients the last stages of a relationship meant compromising themselves and their integrity to try to save the connection. In the ashes of break-up or divorce, this book has helped my clients learn to reclaim their identities, have clear boundaries, and get the life they want. At the core of this book is an understanding of how being too nice is actually detrimental to the foundation of a healthy relationship, so that next time around my clients can be happier and feel less guilty getting their needs met with a partner.

Ilyssa Panitz: What are “5 Things You Need To Know To Survive and Thrive After A Divorce?

Indigo Stray Conger: One: Do not use busyness to avoid being fully engaged in the recovery process. Some people use perpetual motion as a coping mechanism and thereby avoid valuable moments of despair or anger. If not processed, those emotions can impede the ability to truly connect with someone new or to feel fully whole. I have had many clients use divorce as an excuse to immerse themselves in work and disconnect completely from their emotional needs and human connection. Some people never come back from this brink and spend the rest of their lives cut off from sexuality and love, focused instead only on the intellectual sphere.

Two: Conversely, do not fall into a state of inertia and a sea of bottomless emotion. Some people follow the pull of sadness after divorce until the experience is all encompassing. Remember that you are more than this one relationship and these feelings of despair. While it might feel difficult to care about anything, try to engage. Focus on work or a creative project enough to forget your losses momentarily. I have had clients so focused on the past and where they went wrong in the relationship that it took years for them to remember themselves as autonomous individuals with other passions and pursuits.

Three: Do not isolate. Even if you are not ready to date, find new and old trusted friendships to engage in. Human interaction, laughter, and physical touch are all imperative life rafts when swimming with the tides of grief. If humans are hard to come by, a dog or cat will do. Any mammal has a limbic system and can help co-regulate your emotions. Playful roughhousing with your dog or petting your purring cat can bring many of the same physiological and emotional benefits that a human friendship can. I had a client that was near catatonic after divorce. After I encouraged him to find a meaningful connection, he adopted a dog and immediately began to re-engage with the world, hiking and camping and keeping a regular routine. He may have found another way to recover, but that dog catalyzed an acceleration in his progress and life looked very different for him within just a couple of months.

Four: Remember who you are. Write down your values and goals. Look back at pictures of yourself before you met your ex or with other people. Explore the parts of yourself that you compromised or let go of to be in your relationship and find ways to reconnect with those lost parts. I had a client that remembered she had once wanted to join the Peace Corps. She gave up her dreams of travel and of helping others to raise children and care for her husband. After her divorce and once her children were in college, she was able to join the Peace Corps and eventually relocated to Botswana for humanitarian work semi-permanently, discovering a renewed sense of purpose.

Five: Much attention is paid to the psychological recovery from a divorce when in fact more time should be spent on basic self-care in-order to heal. Our nervous systems essentially go through withdrawal from no longer being physiologically bound up with our ex, no matter how healthy or unhealthy the relationship was. Make sure you cultivate a routine of sunshine, moderate exercise, a nourishing and consistent diet, and connection with others as you establish your new life. When your body is tended to, your heart and soul will follow. I once had a client who had never connected with her body or enjoyed exercise prior to her divorce. When she became stuck in a depression and nothing else seemed to help, she started practicing Pilates. After she realized what a benefit Pilates had on her mood, she took up running and trained for her first half marathon. Being physically fit allowed her to feel more embodied and confident, which in turn led her to date again and meet a wonderful new partner.