Relationships & Finances

MoneyGeek published my expert tips on how to have financial conversations and make money decisions with your partner.

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Expert Tips on Relationships and Personal Finance

Indigo Stray Conger LMFT, CST

What is your advice for couples beginning a conversation about money?

Start by discussing your assumptions and values in generalities. What messages did you get from your family about money? What was your financial situation like growing up? What are your thoughts about carrying debt? What does having financial security look like for you? How important is it to meet your financial goals compared with other life priorities? How do you picture finances evolving within a committed partnership? Do you enjoy managing your money, or does it scare you or bore you?

Then get into specifics. How much money are you bringing in? How much debt are you carrying and how are you paying it off? How much are you saving? Where do you think you will be financially in two or twenty years?

What are the keys to building a strong financial partnership?

Talk about it. Americans are more comfortable discussing sex than money matters, even with partners. Many couples go for years without fully understanding their partner's financial situation, even after marriage. Because money is not discussed socially and basic fiscal practices are not taught in school, couples often come to the table with vastly different assumptions about what financial responsibility means and what to prioritize. Simply discussing money early, honestly and often can go a long way toward reconciling different approaches in a way that works for both people.

Is it better to combine accounts?

Combining accounts should not be an automatic process simply because you are moving in together or getting married. For some couples, combining accounts is the best path to feeling like an equitable team. For other couples, pooling finances is a recipe for disaster. The only way to know is to talk. Get a clear picture of each of your financial assets, approaches to money, goals and practices.

If you choose to combine accounts, what are your expectations for how that money is allotted? If you don't combine accounts, what approach would you take to shared expenses? Some couples open a third account, some couples tally what they owe to make each expenditure fair, some couples divvy up financial responsibilities in a way that feels balanced — for instance, one person pays the rent while the other buys the groceries. There is no one-size-fits-all answer, and if you combine finances without knowing what the plan is first it can be difficult to extricate from that initial pooling of resources down the line.

What should couples consider when discussing combining (or not combining) finances?

Discuss what each of you is contributing to the household beyond finances to help determine the financial plan. A couple that makes similar salaries and has no kids may choose an arrangement closer to 50/50 on expenses and keep their finances relatively separate so that neither one micromanages the other's financial decisions. A couple where one person does more of the household duties or child-rearing while the other brings in a higher salary will probably be better suited by a financial arrangement where most (if not all) accounts are shared — otherwise, the partner whose contributions are not monetized loses equity in the relationship.

Differing personalities and areas of strength should also be taken into account. If one person is great at tracking expenses and doesn't make large impulse purchases, while the other doesn't like to think about money and misses payment deadlines, the more fiscally responsible person should probably be overseeing most of the financial input and output in the relationship.

How should couples address different spending habits or debt disparity?

This is not an easy question to answer and depends largely on personal value systems around financial equity. I have seen couples join their finances and one person happily pays off the debt of the other to reach a shared stability in the middle. I have seen other couples keep their finances separate for decades while one partner struggles to stay afloat with debt and the other saves for retirement. On the one hand, it's hardly fair for the fiscally responsible partner to take on the burden of the other's misguided expenditures. However, privilege plays a significant part in whether or not a person amasses student debt or has poor credit, which should be factored into a discussion of what feels equitable.

A plan around past debt can often be figured out, but if ongoing expenditures are a constant source of conflict some separation of finances is in order. A joint account for shared expenditures is one way to not micromanage each other's personal financial choices from separate accounts or, alternatively, a set-aside account for either or both partners that includes "fun money" while the rest of the finances are mutually decided.

What are the common mistakes you see couples make?

You can't just keep your finances rigidly separate because you don't agree on spending practices or can't find a way to talk about money. If you join your life to someone else's for a decade or more, your financial situations will absolutely impact each other. Whether you can get a lease or a loan, whether you can travel or when you can retire are all linked to your partner's finances, if you choose to stay together and share a life. If your partner is struggling in debt and you don't make a plan together, every penny in interest and fees on that debt takes away from your combined resources.

Any best practices for couples, no matter how far along they are in their relationship?

Continuously make time to revisit financial goals and planning. This conversation can be detail-oriented or broad, as long as you clear up any assumptions and clarify the path you are on together. Make sure you are still on the same page about what debt exists, how debt is being addressed, what expenditures are being made, what money is being saved and what that money is being saved for. Fine-tune your financial roles in the relationship in a way that honors you, both as individuals and as a couple.