Ultimate Guide to Polyamory
Check out my most recent article Polyamory: What It Is, Types, & How It Works.
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Polyamory: What It Is, Types, & How It Works
Polyamory is the practice of having or being open to multiple romantic relationships with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Polyamory is founded on the belief that love is not finite and that connecting deeply with others should not be restricted to a single partner with whom we can explore emotionally and physically intimate relationships.
What Is Polyamory?
Polyamory is a category of the Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) or Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM) spectrum. The ENM/CNM spectrum encompasses all sexual or romantic relationship choices which include multiple partners. ENM/CNM necessitates the informed consent of all participants who are romantically or sexually involved with one another. Polyamorous relationships can be just as healthy as monogamous ones.
Polyamory is a type of Ethical Non-Monogamy that places an emphasis on deep, intimate relationships with more than one romantic partner. Polyamory is a word derived from the Greek root “poly,” meaning “many,” and the Latin root “amor,” meaning “love.” As the name suggests, polyamory is rooted in the philosophy that we can love more than one person, in the romantic sense, without those feelings of love detracting from one another.
Some participants in polyamorous relationships identify with “poly” as an orientation. Being open to multiple, loving relationships is an intrinsic part of who a poly person is. Asking them to be monogamous goes against their nature. Other participants in polyamorous relationships may resonate intellectually with the philosophy of open loving, have a partner who identifies as poly, or feel flexible in their relationship style – sometimes engaging in monogamous romantic relationships, sometimes polyamorous.
Is Polyamory Cheating?
Polyamory is not cheating, it is based on honesty. All partners involved must be aware of the kind of relationship they are entering into and enthusiastically consent to be a part of it. That does not mean that everyone in a polyamorous relationship must identify as polyamorous or is dating multiple partners—there are plenty happy mono/poly relationships. But it does mean that cheating on a partner you have been monogamous with from the inception of your relationship and then calling it polyamory when your other partner is revealed is not polyamory.
If you are in a monogamous relationship and would like to transition to a polyamorous model with your partner, those conversations must happen before any action is taken on your part to become romantically or sexually involved with someone else. It is very difficult, and sometimes impossible, to transition the broken trust of a dishonest hook-up outside of your partnership into a successful, happy polyamorous arrangement.
Polyamory vs. Other Forms of Ethical Non-Monogamy
While polyamory focuses on love, other forms of Ethical Non-Monogamy focus more on sex. For example, partners in the “lifestyle” typically consider themselves to be emotionally and romantically monogamous with one another while being open to sexual experiences with others. These experiences may include dating other couples, dating singles, attending swinger clubs or parties, playing sexually together with others, playing sexually separately with others, or some combination of those options.
There is much variability for couples in sexually open relationships in terms of what rules they agree to, including what level of sexual activity is acceptable, what genders are okay to play with, whether couples must always play together, and what depth of relationship with other partners is allowed. Typically, however, love is not part of the equation. Romantic love remains sacred as an implicit or explicit monogamous contract. This sets swinging apart from polyamory, in which love is the whole point.
Polyamory vs. Polygamy
Polyamory is having more than one romantic relationship, whereas polygamy is the plurality of marriage, meaning to have more than one spouse. Polygamy is illegal in the United States. In the eyes of the law, you can have only one legally sanctioned romantic partnership and all of the attendant rights and responsibilities associated with that partnership.
A main reason for the illegality of polygamy is to protect women from participation in polygyny, a relationship structure that is sanctioned by culture or religious doctrine in which men may have more than one wife.
The laws against polygamy are not likely to change within the United States anytime soon. This often leaves members of polyamorous relationships in a culturally mandated hierarchy, wherein only one dyad within the relationship is culturally and legally recognized.
Some polyamorous partners choose to eschew marriage altogether to avoid one or more members being placed in a one-down position. This, however, means losing out on the benefits our legal system affords to legally recognized couples and may mean that a person’s community does not appreciate the commitments made within a polyamorous relationship.
Types of Polyamory
Polyamorous relationship structures are diverse. Unlike monogamy, which has a clear “relationship escalator” that typically includes dating, monogamy, cohabitation, and marriage, polyamory can look very different for different people.
Here are nine common types of polyamory:
1. Hierarchical Poly
In a hierarchical polyamorous relationship, there is a “primary” couple who may cohabitate, combine finances, have children together or participate in other aspects of a shared life. This couple defines the rules for how they are allowed to explore “secondary” relationships.
They may explore relationships together or separately, they may have established constraints around sex or time spent with other partners or they may have “veto power” which allows either person to end their partner’s secondary relationships if they are unhappy with them.
2. Anchor Partners
Some polyamorous partners define their relationship as an “anchor” or “nesting” partnership, instead of primary. These monikers indicate that hierarchy is not present and all partners are considered equal, while still acknowledging that shared life commitments such as home, finances or children are a factor in defining the relationship.
3. Triad
Some polyamorous couples choose to date other singles together, seeking a long term partner with which to become a “triad” or “throuple.” Women who are open to dating couples together are often called “unicorns,” due to the popularity of single women in the ENM/CNM community and the difficulty of finding one. Men who are open to dating couples together are sometimes called “dragons.”
4. Quad
Some polyamorous couples choose to date other couples together, hoping to find a long-term relationship called a “quad.” In a quad, all partners may have a sexual and romantic relationship with one another, or perhaps only cross-gender partners have a relationship with one another, or any combination of the four people involved. Sometimes there are romantic relationships without sex, particularly when an asexual or graysexual partner is part of a relationship.
5. Polyfidelity
Some polyamorous relationships become “closed” and members engage in “polyfidelity.” This is when all members of a poly relationship agree not to seek romantic or sexual connections outside of the established relationship structure. Polyfidelity often occurs when “polysaturation” has been reached, or the inability to add additional partners due to time and energy constraints.
6. Vee
Very commonly in polyamory one person dates two people separately. They are then the “pivot” or “hinge” in a vee style relationship. Their two partners are “metamours” to one another and those two people might never meet, or they may become close friends, but they do not have a romantic relationship.
7. Relationship Anarchy
In relationship anarchy, all participants are free to connect with others romantically and sexually without the restriction of rules, labels or hierarchy. Relationships evolve organically between the partners involved, which are rooted in trust, communication and autonomy. Relationship anarchists may still have anchor partners that they live with or share other commitments with.
8. Solo Polyamory
A solo poly person typically prefers to live alone and has multiple partnerships that they do not define in a hierarchical manner.
9. Polycule
A polycule encompasses everyone on the relationship map, including all of your partners and metamours, whether or not they cohabitate. There may be polycule meetings or discussions to consider decisions which have implications for everyone involved.
These are a few basic examples of what a polyamorous relationship could look like. The options for polyamory are diverse and complex. Relationships often evolve over time based on partners’ self-exploration and a practice of deeply connecting and honestly communicating with one another.
Communication Strategies in Polyamory
No matter what your relationship structure looks like, polyamory is rooted in honest communication and enthusiastic consent. Communication skills are imperative to be able to discuss the complex topics mentioned above.
There are two main orientations to communication strategies within the poly community:
Kitchen-Table Poly
Kitchen-table poly is when everyone within a polycule is ideally able to sit around a table and conduct open discussions about their relationships. Partners and partners of partners can comfortably reach out to one another and talk directly about requests, concerns, or emotions.
Parallel Poly
Parallel poly is when metamours do not interact with one another. If a person in a vee-style relationship has requests or concerns, they discuss those with their partner, who then determines how to navigate the issue with their other partner.
How communication happens between partners is varied. A good place to start is by having regular check-ins and discussions with each partner or all partners together. This gives you a chance to know where your partners stand emotionally and to share logistical questions or concerns as the relationship structure evolves.
Some Complications of Polyamory
Polyamory is challenging. Because the default in our society is monogamy, there is very little modeling to look to in media, culture, peer groups and families for what a healthy polyamorous relationship could look like. Most of the examples in mainstream culture are presented in the context of sensationalism instead of examples of how polyamorous relationships may thrive.
The paradigm shift from monogamy to polyamory requires skilled communication and a willingness to devote time and energy to finding the resources that will make your relationships successful.
The following issues are common topics of conversation that poly partners are likely to have to navigate:
Jealousy/Insecurity
Even the most secure and emotionally grounded people are likely to run up against jealousy or insecurity when navigating polyamorous relationships for the first time. Your nervous system can hijack your logical mind and make you feel as if you are in danger.
This kind of fear reaction can cause nausea, anxiety, racing thoughts, insomnia, tears or emotional reactivity. Mindfulness practices, emotional awareness and good communication habits can help you and your partners navigate jealousy and insecurity issues when they arise.
Being Intentional With Time
Love may be infinite, but time is finite. Time is also your most valuable resource in cultivating intentional, rewarding experiences with your partners. If you are usually a go with the flow kind of person who doesn’t plan ahead, that may have to change.
Whether you end up with regular nights of the week that you see different partners or make dates as options become available, your current partner or partners will need a heads-up so that they can make their own plans. Once you have three or more people in the mix, calendaring can get complex.
Rules & Boundaries
Establishing expectations for your relationship through rules and boundaries is an important step towards all partners feeling emotionally safe. Rules are external agreements mutually decided on by established partners, such as how late you can stay out or how often you can go on dates with other partners. Newbies to the poly world tend to lean heavily on rules, which can actually set you up more for broken trust and disappointment.
Don’t go overboard with the minutiae of your agreements thinking they will keep your established relationship safer. Instead, rely more on clarifying boundaries, which are about what you control. Boundaries include your bodily autonomy and how you manage your own mental state and emotional reactivity. For example, a boundary could be not having sex after your partner goes on a date until a certain amount of time has elapsed or your partner has taken a shower.
Disclosure to Friends & Family
Coming out to friends and family can be a big deal. Given all the myths and misconceptions surrounding polyamory, some people may choose to keep one or more of their relationships private. This can create ongoing issues with partners feeling excluded. Family photos, holidays, trips and milestone events will be reserved for the couple that is recognized and affirmed in the community until your relationships are out in the open.
Before talking about polyamory with important people in your life, carefully consider how to frame the conversation in a way that they can understand. Emphasize that you have been intentional in manifesting these relationships and that all of your partners have an important place in your heart.
How to Talk About Polyamory With a Partner
If you are currently in a monogamous relationship and think that transitioning to polyamory sounds right for you and your partner, it can be tricky to know where to begin.
Here are six tips for discussing polyamory with your partner:
1. Be Intentional
Don’t off-handedly mention after a couple of drinks that you’d be interested in dating a guy at work and then ask if maybe your partner would be down to open things up. Carefully consider what you want to say in a way that is vulnerable, kind and clear. Let your partner know that you have something serious you want to discuss and set aside time without distractions to sit down and be deeply present with one another.
2. Start with What Works
Talk about all the ways in which you love your relationship with your partner and what you don’t want to change. Make it clear that you are not going anywhere and that this would not be a downgrade to your relationship.
3. Use “I” Statements & Feeling Statements
Think carefully about what you want to say in this format to help you clarify your thoughts and feelings. If you find yourself wanting to talk more about what is not working with your partner, it may be time to slow down and address issues in your current relationship first before changing the paradigm.
Polyamory is not a quick fix for relationship problems. It requires a strong foundation predicated on exactly this kind of communication. Speaking from an emotional place about your perspective will help your partner hear you and understand where you are coming from.
4. Focus On Love
Polyamory is all about love. Talk about the abundance of love that is in your relationship and the ways in which you envision expanding on that by opening up to other partners. Ask your partner about their experience of love and whether they can imagine having those feelings for someone other than you if they knew it didn’t mean the end of your relationship.
5. Don’t Rush
You have probably been thinking about this conversation for a while. You might be ready to start an Ok Cupid profile tomorrow, but all this information is brand new to your partner. Give them some time to digest what you’ve discussed.
Offer one or two resources to them which articulate how you are feeling (a podcast episode or chapter of a book) without going overboard on material. Let them process in their own time and be available to talk when they are ready. If they don’t bring the topic back up on their own within a week or two, gently ask what their follow-up thoughts have been to your conversation. Listen more than speak.
6. Don’t Do It Alone
Talk with your partner about how having outside help to navigate this tricky conversation further could be useful. A trained ENM/CNM therapist can help guide the conversation in a more fruitful direction if an initial try ended up in hurt feelings, misunderstandings, or just didn’t get very far. Making this suggestion also lets your partner know that you are serious—about both polyamory and making your relationship with them continue to work.
How Talking With a Mental Health Professional Can Help
If you think you may be polyamorous, or would like to try a polyamorous relationship structure either with a current partner or on your own, then speaking with a knowledgeable mental health professional can help you take the next steps in exploring.
Optimally, you should find a counselor or therapist who has extensive prior experience in working with polyamorous relationships, not just a mental health professional who claims to be non-judgmental of ENM/CNM relationship styles.
Implicit bias frequently appears in therapy around non-monogamy when a therapist is unskilled at working within a non-monogamous paradigm. It is imperative that your counselor knows the issues to look for and skills to impart when helping couples or individuals embark on a polyamorous path.
There is still a substantial stigma in our culture against polyamory and it can be hard to find professionals you can trust. To find polyamory-knowledgeable professionals, visit polyfriendly.org. You can find mental health counselors as well as lawyers, doulas, and religious clergy, among others.
Additional Resources
We live in an exciting time! There are numerous social media groups, meet-ups, books and podcasts on the subject of polyamory.
Here are a few well respected resources about polyamory:
R.A.D.A.R. is a helpful template to use to improve communication in polyamorous relationships.
Loving More is a nonprofit organization dedicated to creating polyamory media awareness and offering events, conferences, and retreats.
Multiamory offers support and advice for modern relationships and non-monogamy of all kinds.
Polyamory Weekly shares stories of diverse, inclusive poly experiences and resources for how to navigate poly relationships.
Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships.
Polysecure by Jessica Fern teaches you the basics of how to cultivate emotionally secure non-monogamous relationships.